the Wayward Sturgeon
and performed by Dwight Fiske
from the Goatboy collection, transcription by Goatboy
Audio - full version of "Ida, The Wayward
Sturgeon" (5 mins.)
was just a little wayward sturgeon. She thought there must be more to
this sex life than swimming around each other's eggs. "I'm going to find
out for myself!" she said.
she went upstairs and put a little badge on her right shoulder which read:
"I Will Share". The she slipped down the back stairs into the Gulf stream
and drifted up with the crowd. And what a crowd! All the Barracudas were
out, a couple of sharks, and a little weak fish, swimming backwards. Now
Ida drifted through all this nonsense until she came to Palm Beach where
she ran into Bertha, a Deep-sea Bass. Bertha tried everyghing twice and
hated it. But being a Deep-sea Bass, she though she would try again, which
shows just how foolish fish can be from time to time.
she hadn't seen Ida since she was a little bit of an egg, and she said,
"Ida! A girl with a face and figure like yours ought to DO things and
GO places. Why don't you go down to the Gulf stream, where fish are fish!"
said, "Okay." She was only twelve.
she went into an old fashioned nose-dive right down to the bottom of the
Gulf stream. She never had seen sooo many daring exposures. She hit her
head on a great big coral palace, almost as big as the Breakers Hotel.
Fish were doing things that only fish could only do in Florida and get
away with. Ida was dying for an affair, but she only had on an old sports
suit. Even when she did her bubbles, no one lookd. And she did looovely
bubbles. She could do them standing up or sitting down, she didn't care
in the slightest. But, everybody was way beyond bubbles. So feeling very
sad and sexy, she swam away.
she hadn't gone very far, when she came to an information booth with a
mother-of-pearl front. On the door, it said, "LOVE FOR SALE, APPETIZING
YOUNG LOVE FOR SALE". Ida swam right in, and there on an old oyster bed
telling a whole group of fish how to be GAY, was the world's oldest living
mermaid. It was really Fanny Bored. Ida could see she had the face of
a child, but that was all. But Fanny was no fool. She hadn't lived through
three generations for nothing withough changing her expression.
Ida, you throw yourself right down on that 'park here' barnacles, I'll
put in a couple of calls and we'll have some fun!"
was Fanny all over -- fun.
downstairs in the basement with the radio turned on was old Tristan Wizenstein,
the octopus, exercising his sixteen killer legs. One the end of each toe
was a little suction pump, an invention of his own. In the midst of a
most complicated one man adagio, the telephone rang. It was Fanny.
up here, Tristan, I want you to work on a little fish called Ida. She's
going to lay an egg today, only she doesn't know it!"
Ida was just beginning to feel the points of the barnacles when suddenly
she found herself in a terrifying embrace. Tristan was on all sides, his
invention going like mad...and then, she fainted. She didn't know a thing
until she heard Fanny say:
GOD Ida! You've SHARED! It's CAVIAR!"